looking forward to the future

well at last I'm here. Gordon Moody in Kent. I have been introduced to the staff and other residents who are all very plesent and friendly. Have watched the England match which tbh was pretty crap. 

I think i can make a go of this and at thw I believe I can come out a changed person. It's going to be a long painful climb but the rewards are worth it. tomorrow the propper stuff starts. 

Another step closer

Today I have taken the next step to recovery. I have self excluded myself from all the local arcades, bingo halls and betting shops for a period of five years. It was a massive step for me as the last time I banned myself I didn't do it for long it was only a six months ban which did nothing. so it begins lets just hope I can keep it up. 

Another one to tick of my list

. 

Well, where do I start. I guess at the beginning..........


I was 12/13 years old it was a hot summers night and my mum was going to watch some singer in a pub. She took me to the local  arcade on the sea front and gave me £10 to spend. She left and I was walking round looking at all theses flashing machines. I got some change and decided to play one of them, that was it I was hooked. I ended up spending the whole £10 in about 2 hours and went to the pub to meet my mum. She asked how much I had left I said nothing and she was not too bothered as it lasted me the full 2 hours. A few days later when I got my paper and pocket money I decided to ride the 4 miles to the beach to go play on the flashing machines. I had £14 and that lasted only 50 or so minutes as I was getting use to how to play them, and each time I went the money went sooner and sooner. Some times I would win but would then go play another machine and lose on that and thats been the trend ever since. I've been playing now for almost 25 years. If I was to put a round figure on it I would estimate I have spent well over £300,000 since I started. 


When I started working  i would spend about £50/70 a week and as my wages went up so did the money lost on gambling. at the end it was about £250 a week just in the fruit machines not even money saved for rent or food. I have been living on the streets in Skegness when i could not afford to pay my rent through ploughing it into the fruit machines and I think this was probably the lowest point of my life. No food no roof over my head and it was all down to a fruit machine. I have lost so many relationships and friends and family over my gambling. I have stolen money from partners and family, stolen items to sell as well as selling my own items to cash converters etc. My head master once told me "James you are your own worst enemy" I never understood that until now. i have had to take a long hard look at my life and how it's been a lot of time wasting, which could have been spent doing other thing. I have had goals but have never been able to reach them because my addiction gets in the way. 


I have a son who is six years old and i lobe him to bits and I don't want him growing up thinking his dad is a waste of space, I want to be someone he can be proud of someone he can look up to. I can't achieve this while I'm a compulsive gambler. I want to be able to take him on nice holidays and to be able to buy him nice presents, I want him to grow up with a proper dad.  At the minute I see him as and when I have money and food in the house. I had to go to court to get access and i won after showing that I was capable of looking after him and that I was trying to quit gambling, but unfortunately since then in the last few years my addiction has taken a turn for the worse. I'm gambling more than ever and it got so bad a few weeks ago I felt like jumping off the roof of the local car park. I spoke to a friend and told him how I was feeling and he managed to change my mind and told me it's not for the better, how would my son feel and how would he cope and when his friends ask about what his dad does or where is dad is whats he going to say! I'm glad I didn't do it because I can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and if i try hard enough then I can be that person i want to be. 


I have decided to go away to a rehab centre up in London and will be going for a 14 week program. I have a few problems with this as my local council will not help with rent while I am away so when I finish the program and come back to Gloucester I will be homeless which I don't think will help in my recovery. I will be away from friends and family in a totally new place with people I have never met before but who are in the same boat. I just hope I can stick with it and come out the other end a much better person.


I will try and keep people who are interested in my progress informed on here. I will not have much contact with the outside world while there but I will have my mobile phone. I just hope god can give me strength to pull me through this. 


Thanks for reading 


James